Live from the Oval Office

My Fellow Americans,

I am addressing you this evening to discuss reports that my administration threatened to bomb one of our key allies “Back to the Stone Age.” I want to assure you that there is no truth to these reports. Nobody in my administration would ever issue such a blunt and undiplomatic threat to enemy or friend alike.

Oh, I know there was that business with Canada, and offering to “blast them back to France.” That was a slip of the tongue.

And, of course, there was that unfortunate situation where the Secretary of State mentioned that we might bomb the Greeks “back to the Bronze Age,” which turned out not to be very scary for them. Who knew that the Bronze Age was a pretty good time for the Greeks?

But rest assured that we value our allies and intend to treat them with respect. It is not our intention to bomb anyone back to any age whatsoever.

Thank you and have a good evening – or else.