Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Reasons why John Street may have switched to Independent

Former Philly Mayor John Street has mysteriously switched his party affiliation to Independent, despite the inherent disadvantages of doing so under Pennsylvania's wacky political system (including being unable to vote for his quirky brother Milton, who is running against Mayor Nutter in the Democratic primary on May 17). Why, we wonder. Why? Here are some possibilities:

1. Wants to challenge Mayor Nutter as an independent
2. Wanted polite excuse not to vote for Milton in the primary
3. Secretly afraid that Milton might win; worried he might have to save city himself
4. Mixed up forms; Independence Blue Cross wonders why he requested info on the "Democrat" health plan
5. Thought he was filing his Business Privilege Tax form; trying to tell city he is an independent contractor
6. Got really, really drunk in Old City; Also had sexy hula girl tattooed on butt.
7. Hoping federal investigators won't recognize him after the change
8. Mistakenly thought it would get him out of jury duty
9. Mad that Democrats are inviting that clown Gaddafi to run
10. To fuck with our heads

Friday, March 11, 2011

Colin's rendition of a Komodo Dragon, demonstrating that the best way to engage the environmentalist sensibility of an 8-year-old boy is to explain that the animal has a "poisonous tongue."

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Things I think about, Part IV

1. Things that should be in Clue but are not:

Can of poison

2. Possible solutions in the new, more realistic version of Clue:

Dwayne with the chainsaw in the carport

Marsha with the sledgehammer behind the shed

Rhonda with uncle Jed's shotgun in the mobile home.

Jimmy at grandma's house while she's at Bible study with grandpa's Luger he got off some kraut Nazi bastard at Bastogne.

Carol with the ground glass in the hamburger in the breakfast nook.

Saturday, February 05, 2011

The Twenty Commandments

XI. There are no more commandments.

XII. Seriously. I am done. Ten is more than enough.

XIII. Quit reading. Now you're annoying me, which is not good.

XIV. Because I am thy Lord and God. That's why.

XV. Oh, for My sake. If I give you one more, will you shut up?

XVI. Ok, ummm. Let not your body toucheth the pool or ocean until one hour hath passed after the last morsel shall have been eaten.

XVII. What do you want? I was in a hurry. These things take thought.

XVIII. I don't have time for this.

XIX. All right, I KNOW I technically do have the time for this, but I don't want to, OK?

XX. Consider yourself smited.