Thursday, February 19, 2009

My solution for the Auto Industry

CNN says today that the Auto Industry bailout will end up costing something like $130 billion. This got me to thinking - why are we just sending the car companies money? I have a much better idea.

Let's think about some numbers first.

Car Buyers Notebook tells me that the average new car in 2008 cost $28,715. You can buy a pretty nice car for that even in 2009, so long as you don't want to go all Tricked Out Lexus or something, so let's use that as a working number for the 2009 model year.

That means $130 billion will buy roughly 4,527,250 pretty decent new cars, maybe more if we make the car companies a nice offer.

The Census Bureau tells me that there are roughly 101,301,401 Americans between the ages of 20 and 70 in the U.S. Let's call that prime driving age.

That means the U.S. government could buy about 1 nice new car for every 22 Americans.

I say let's just buy 4.5 million new cars and give them out by lottery. You gotta figure at least some of those 101 million driving-age Americans don't want or need a new car for some reason, so your odds are likely to be a hell of a lot better than 1 in 22 of getting a brand new vehicle.

Who's with me? Personally, Mr. President, I'll take a new 4-door Jeep Wrangler. I promise to take very good care of it.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Fun with lyrics

This simply speaks for itself

I once got in trouble at a radio station where I worked for taping over the title of this very song and replacing it with:

Awl Bye Mice Elf.

The program director did not find my sense of humor endearing for some reason.

Thursday, February 05, 2009

Build the Death Star

To Hell with the Stimulus Package. I know how to get the economy working - let's build a real, live Death Star. Then we can get all those unemployed autoworkers and contractors back to work (and incidentally me too, since news publications would need lots of coverage of the project). Then we can go scare the hooey out of the microbes on Mars and otherwise menace the universe.

Here's how:

Death Star Costs $15.6 Septillion

One Death Star for $15 Septillion? What a deal!

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Dave for President Pt. 2

Here David Letterman conducts the kind of interview that every journalist longs to do, or at least should aspire to. This is an act of journalistic brilliance. He's polite, gives the man his say, and yet he tells the unfettered truth in a non-confrontational way. Genius.

Letterman Interviews Blagojevich

Monday, February 02, 2009

25 things about me

Several people on Facebook have tagged me with this 25 Things About Me game. I find it sort of interesting, but I am not sure I want to play exactly as required. It smacks too much of a chain letter, and I throw those away on principle. And yet, the game is sort of fun - some of the results come close to poetry (Look here and you'll see what I mean).

So I am going to say 25 things about me, but I am not going to tag 25 of my closest friends, relations, and henchmen. So sue me.

1. I have a morbid fascination with Chinese buffets.

2. I always wanted to be a Constitutional lawyer.

3. I have an irrational fear of compressed gasses of all sorts.

4. People don’t seem to believe me when I say I am both shy and lazy.

5. Animals interest me only in so far as I can cook delicious meals with them. But I would cook them with deep love and respect.

6. I think the Rolling Stones are better as an idea than as a rock band. Ditto for U2.

7. I have a bad temper, but it takes a long time to get to it.

8. I am a surprisingly good body surfer.

9. Good beer brings me joy.

10. I like American Idol and I don’t care who knows it.

11. I remember being five years old – and I miss it.

12. When I attempt to speak a foreign language, I suffer a crippling bout of insecurity, which instantly renders me unintelligible.

13. I have disproportionately short legs.

14. I cry when I read the final chapter of the House at Pooh Corner.

15. Driving to some place new is one of my quiet pleasures.

16. I always wished my hair was straight so I could wear it really long without looking like Kenny G.

17. I believe that most people in government sincerely want to serve the public interest, although they don’t always succeed.

18. I like to eat lunch alone.

19. I have an enduring and completely inexplicable fixation on Russian history.

20. I write better when I am hungry, but I only think I write better when I am drunk.

21. If money were no object, I would live on Maui.

22. I think Vegemite is delicious if eaten in moderation.

23. I maintain my own sourdough yeast colony, making me, technically, a yeast farmer.

24. My math skills are dismal, even with a calculator.

25. I have yet to decide what I want to do when I grow up.