Apparently, my awful secret has been revealed. Much as I pose a humble American journalist, I am in fact the illegitimate child of a Russian drifter named Shemp and famous film actress and Princess Grace Kelly.
I have no idea if this little bit of code is accurate, but it is an amusing way to consider how to drink yourself to death. It suggests that I would need to down 26 bottles of delicious Mirror Pond Pale Ale by Deschutes in a three hour period to be sure of finishing the job: