Seanibus

Reasons why John Street may have switched to Independent

2011-04-19T16:46:00.002-04:00

Former Philly Mayor John Street has mysteriously switched his party affiliation to Independent, despite the inherent disadvantages of doing so under Pennsylvania's wacky political system (including being unable to vote for his quirky brother Milton, who is running against Mayor Nutter in the Democratic primary on May 17). Why, we wonder. Why? Here are some possibilities:

1. Wants to challenge Mayor Nutter as an independent
2. Wanted polite excuse not to vote for Milton in the primary
3. Secretly afraid that Milton might win; worried he might have to save city himself
4. Mixed up forms; Independence Blue Cross wonders why he requested info on the "Democrat" health plan
5. Thought he was filing his Business Privilege Tax form; trying to tell city he is an independent contractor
6. Got really, really drunk in Old City; Also had sexy hula girl tattooed on butt.
7. Hoping federal investigators won't recognize him after the change
8. Mistakenly thought it would get him out of jury duty
9. Mad that Democrats are inviting that clown Gaddafi to run
10. To fuck with our heads

2011-03-11T08:41:00.002-05:00

Colin's rendition of a Komodo Dragon, demonstrating that the best way to engage the environmentalist sensibility of an 8-year-old boy is to explain that the animal has a "poisonous tongue."

Things I think about, Part IV

2011-02-20T14:23:00.003-05:00

1. Things that should be in Clue but are not:

Theater
Spa
Guesthouse
Trophy
Bat
Barbell
Can of poison

2. Possible solutions in the new, more realistic version of Clue:

Dwayne with the chainsaw in the carport

Marsha with the sledgehammer behind the shed

Rhonda with uncle Jed's shotgun in the mobile home.

Jimmy at grandma's house while she's at Bible study with grandpa's Luger he got off some kraut Nazi bastard at Bastogne.

Carol with the ground glass in the hamburger in the breakfast nook.

The Twenty Commandments

2011-02-05T16:43:00.005-05:00

XI. There are no more commandments.

XII. Seriously. I am done. Ten is more than enough.

XIII. Quit reading. Now you're annoying me, which is not good.

XIV. Because I am thy Lord and God. That's why.

XV. Oh, for My sake. If I give you one more, will you shut up?

XVI. Ok, ummm. Let not your body toucheth the pool or ocean until one hour hath passed after the last morsel shall have been eaten.

XVII. What do you want? I was in a hurry. These things take thought.

XVIII. I don't have time for this.

XIX. All right, I KNOW I technically do have the time for this, but I don't want to, OK?

XX. Consider yourself smited.

On tie clips

2010-12-15T19:53:00.004-05:00

As some of you know, I have been imprisoned in a full-time job for most of this year. For the first time in nearly a decade I have had to dress up and put on a tie almost every day.

And while I dislike wearing ties intensely, I do get to bring out my small collection of one of mankind's most under-rated inventions: tie clips.

See, as much as I hate ties, I happen to love tie clips. They are mindbogglingly useful - they keep your tie from blowing around, from dipping in your food, from getting all wet when you wash your hands. When you're wearing a suit, the tie clip can keep your tie fixed at exactly the perfect rakish angle.

And they look nice (at least I think so. "Very Spencer Tracy," observed one movie-obsessed friend once. I am not sure if it was an approving comment or not). I have gold ones. Silver ones. Inlaid ones. They're cool.

But wearing a tie clip has begun to make me sad in a sort of existential way. And that is because a tie, to which a tie clip is a nifty accessory, is in itself perhaps the most useless accessory ever invented by mankind. It serves no practical purpose at all and is only marginally attractive, so it serves a limited decorative purpose.

Nobody really likes ties.

This has forced me to contemplate the place in the universe of the useful little tie clip - what does it mean to be the world's most useful addition to the world's least useful accessory ?

15 album game

2010-08-28T23:59:00.005-04:00

There's this game going around on Facebook - post the 15 albums that will "stay with you." The gimmick is to give yourself no more than 15 minutes and give your first reaction. Then you're supposed to tag 15 of your friends.

And I am just not going to do that 'cause I am a curmudgeon and I don't have to. It's in the Constitution, as I recall.

But the question is rather interesting. So I will post it on my Blog, which will automatically show up as a note on Facebook. But no tagging people.

So close enough.

And since it's my own damned blog and I can set the rules, I am adding some commentary too.

1. Abbey Road, Beatles - The first album I ever owned. The songwriting is gorgeous, the production is rich, and the engineering is nearly unbelievable given the era. Even as a 13 or 14 year old, I knew I was listening to something astounding.

2. Dark Side of the Moon, Pink Floyd - this is a headtrip that will never get old, with some of the finest engineering and arrangement ever. My favorite songs have shifted over the years, but this remains a favorite I cannot shake.

3. Kina, Kina - an honest, emotional, and powerful rock album by a former R&B girl group singer, Kina Kosper. I was riveted from the opening notes of the first song.

4. Stop Making Sense, Talking Heads - a live album that captures a great band at the peak of their power. The movie made me a lifetime fan.

5. Exit ... Stage Left, Rush - again, a live album that captures a band at their absolute pinnacle of power. Rush speaks best to 15 year old boys. And I was 15 when this came out.

6. Life's Rich Pageant, REM. - A great band hits its stride. It touched on folk, rock, and art rock in exactly the right proportions.

7. Autobahn, Kraftwerk - just blew my mind. I was just getting into electronic music in 1984 and I could not believe a bunch of square German boys had done it all 10 years earlier.

8. The Groobees, The Groobees - a super tight large country combo wrapped around the clever songwriting of Susan Gibson. I was hooked from the opening lyric: "Spent half a tank of gas on this conversation; still hasn't got us anywhere."

9. The Flying Lizards, The Flying Lizards - I simply cannot explain this. It's on Youtube.

10. Almost Famous Soundtrack, various artists - a collection of classic 60s and 70s songs, none of which are my favorites, but which together speak to me about my youthful discovery of rock music.

11. Fly, The Dixie Chicks - some really clever songwriting and outstanding production make this mass market country at its finest. And it happens I was on a business trip in Austin when I was listening to it. Driving around the city at night listening to this was perfect in a way I cannot recreate.

12. Cabaret Movie Soundtrack, Various Artists - my parents loved this movie and played the soundtrack incessantly. I love it too. Joel Grey deserved his Oscar as the super-creepy emcee. The soundtrack is funny, sad, touching in turn.

13. The Cars, The Cars - It's like they were singing inside of my head. One of the finest headphones albums ever made.

14. I Often Dream of Trains, Robyn Hitchcock - it was like falling into a dream state to hear "Furry Green Atom Bowl" on the radio my first month of college. I went and got the album and was transported. I will never get tired of this album.

15. Legend, Bob Marley - OK, I am a middle class white boy who went to a preppy college in the late 80s. Sue me.

The Job I Never Had

2010-08-11T07:27:00.001-04:00

In college, I took a job cleaning boilers in the university heating plant. The guy who hired me said I needed to wear steel-toed boots so my feet wouldn't get crushed by heavy equipment. He told me I needed to wear long sleeved shirts, even though it was about 110 degrees in the boiler, so if a steam pipe burst, it wouldn't burn my skin as badly. He told me he hoped I wasn't claustrophobic so I wouldn't panic in tight spaces.

I lost a lot of sleep about this job. So on the first day, I showed up early and sat on the front step and waited for my new boss. He arrived and I mumbled something about"I have to leave town." He looked at me intensely for a minute and I was sure he knew I was lying.

Then he smiled and shook his head knowingly and said "It' s about a girl, innit?"

I smiled as roguishly as I could manage and agreed with him. And took the hell off down the street.

Yeah, me too

2010-06-07T18:40:00.002-04:00

A sign of the times

2010-06-02T20:48:00.003-04:00

This from my older son's test folder.

You know, considering that all of the current fifth grade has grown up with nothing but digital cameras, this last question hardly seems fair.

And anyway, every professional photographer I have ever known would be high on my list to help me develop an alibi.

Potentially smart lad I have here, I would say.

Alarming warning

2010-05-15T15:38:00.002-04:00

My son got a Transformer toy for his birthday and I happened to notice this odd warning label:

So as I understand it, unhappy toddlers are forbidden and we should beware of cuddly happy lions.

Got it.

A funny thing happened...

2010-04-17T09:50:00.002-04:00

This time three weeks ago, the family and I were on our way to the mountains of Colorado, happy to be leaving Philadelphia and the East Coast in our rear-view mirrors.

But somehow, that didn't work out so well. My wife and her boss had a sudden parting of the ways, so she piled in her new Jeep and headed back to Philly.

So this time two weeks ago, we were selling our house and trying to figure out where to go next. Virginia, maybe. North Carolina? California? Arizona? The horizon was wide open, but one thing was sure - we were leaving here.

And somehow that didn't work out either.

As I was rooting around for contacts and job leads, one of my favorite freelance clients decided to make me a full-time offer I couldn't refuse. Right here in Philadelphia. Starting next week, I'll be working for the Committee of Seventy, a political watchdog group here in town. My title hasn't been settled, but I'll be doing think-tankey kinds of things - research, writing, thinking - related to ethics and public policy. I'll finally get paid for doing exactly the sort of thing I used to do mostly free.

So here we are still in Philly. Our grand plan for the Next Big Adventure ended up meaning staying right at home. And I am not sorry about it - we have had a complicated relationship with Philadelphia, but somehow this just seems right, like discovering a new city from the comfort of our old house.

Funny how things happens.

Generic News Story #1

2010-03-25T19:16:00.003-04:00

Something important happened recently, which caused us to assign one of our increasingly scarce staff reporters.

This event had several important implications, which we would put here.

"This is where to put a good quote from a witness, investigator, or participant," said Source #1.

This event had several other important details, such as who else was involved, why it happened, and an exact date and location, which we were unable to wedge into the first two paragraphs, 'cause who wants to read really long opening paragraphs anyway.

"This would be an excellent place for a second quote from some other witness, investigator, or participant," said Source #2. "Unless, of course, the editors say we're short on space, in which case this quote gets cut first."

This event was part of some larger pattern, such as the culmination of a long process, the start of a new process, the first time, the last time, or maybe it was just plain weird.

"This is where to put dispassionate, big picture analysis from some uninvolved expert, professor, consultant, or politician," said Uninvolved Expert #1. "If all else fails, interview some little-known reporter from a niche publication who follows this kind of stuff intensively and is just glad to get some mainstream exposure so his mother knows he has a real job."

But there are always people who disagree with whatever he says, no matter how arcane and uncontroversial the topic at hand might be.

"This is where to put someone - anyone at all - who even tangentially disagrees with your first Uninvolved Expert," said Uninvolved Expert #2. "This is what we call 'balance.'"

Here is where to note that Experts who know something about your event are either still investigating the matter or else declined to comment on the controversy.

At this point, it would be useful to introduce some witnesses or participants, if you haven't already.

"I saw the event, yes I did," Witness #1 said.

And now would be a great time to detail efforts by relevant officials to encourage, discourage, or study the event at hand, with an eye toward causing it to happen again, or not to happen again, or move to some other place in the future.

"This is my top priority until some other significant event occurs," Relevant Official #1 said.

So now it's time to go back to the actual event that we talked about in the first paragraph. Perhaps it is time to say when the involved persons will go on trial, or maybe how long they remained in the hospital, or when the Guinness Book of World Records plans to visit.

"This final quote has no chance of making it in print, although it is a really great quote that totally sums up the entire article," Source #1, 2, or 3 said, "because the copy editors tend to cut from the bottom without regard to how artful and elegant the writer has been in picking a kicker quote."

-30-

Perfect Rock Songs

2010-03-04T22:05:00.002-05:00

My friend Geoff has been posting videos on Facebook lately and he went on a Van Halen kick tonight, which reminded me of something - that Van Halen has what I consider the Perfect Rock Song. By this I don't mean the Best Rock Song, but the "perfect." And there is a difference. I never was a Van Halen fan until the summer of 2001, when I lived in California. I had just bought a BWM 323, which was by far the fastest and coolest car I had ever driven, and cost far more than I had any business paying. I had to take a business trip to Fresno for reasons that don't bear the repeating, and very late one summer night I found myself screaming up Highway 99 far in excess of the speed limit. It was hot and dry and I was the only car on the road - only slow-moving semis laden with fruit were in my way. And on the radio came Van Halen's Dance the Night Away. And I was transported. I had never given the song a second though, but at that moment I realized I was happy because it is the perfect rock song. It's shallow, but it's happy, smooth, sexy, and calls up all that's best about being 17 or 18, free, adventurous, and without a care in the world. The guitar is smooth and big and jangly. The beat is slow, regular and - well - perfect. I realized I could listen to that song and drive forever and never, ever, miss where I had come from and never care if I got where I was going.

Uh, yeah sure, Maybe.

2010-02-26T21:17:00.004-05:00

Once long ago, I got a fortune from a fortune cookie that said "You are the Greatest Person in the World." And really, who could disagree with that? So I taped it over my desk at work.

Then about a year later, I got another fortune at the same restaurant that said "Your stupidity is your greatest problem." I was taken aback, of course, but it's hard to argue with that one either. So I taped it up right under the other one.

I thought they made a nice kind of balanced presentation.

The other day, the boys and I had Chinese food and we got this as a fortune:

This one was a bit harder to make sense of. So I am taking a wait-and-see position.

Say it with splotches

2010-02-26T11:08:00.004-05:00

The more observant of my blog readers will notice a strange addition to my blog layout today - a weird little box that looks like a mutant crossword puzzle in the lower right corner.

I am told this is something called a QR code. It is kind of a custom bar code in which you can embed information to be decoded by your cell phone or other bit of smart gadgetry. Actually, I've known about this kind of thing for a long time - people were talking about early versions even back in the early '90s - but it never occurred to me to try it until today, when I read a piece by legendary journalism recruiter Joe Grimm, suggesting that sticking something like this on a business card or resume would be a nifty way to make potential employers think you're way cool and tech savvy.

Use a Two-Dimensional Bar Code to Brand Yourself as an Innovative Journalist

So I tinkered with the technology and, sure enough, it works.

The mysterious set of blotches on the blog will lead you to my website:

Seanibus

This is what it looks like:

In order to understand the code, you need a little piece of software for your cell phone, which connects with your built-in camera. There are lots of them out there, but the one I found that works with my Blackberry - and seemingly many other devices - is called NeoReader.

But the nifty thing is that you can encode damned near anything in these little doodads. Again, there are lots of sites that do this, but I am kind of fond of the one, called Kaywa.

For example, here is my email address:

But the really excellent part is that you can encode long blocks of text, making it possible to send secret messages to people. For example:

This is the first paragraph of the Gettysburg Address (though my Cell Phone had a hard time deciphering this much text).

Or this:

This will tell the viewer "You are a complete idiot."

The possibilities here are simply limitless.

Sgt. Witch

2010-02-17T11:53:00.006-05:00

Former Congressman Bob Barr (who turned out to be one of the funniest members of Congress in my time there) is concerned that the Air Force Academy is going a little too far in accommodating the religious needs of "pagans." He writes today in his Atlanta Journal Constitution blog:

The US Air Force, at no less a prestigious location than the Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, has taken the notion of religious tolerance to a new level, in creating an outdoor worship area for pagans. The site, apparently sacred to pagans, consists of an inner and an outer circle of large stones. I’m sorry, but this truly is hilarious. Don’t get me wrong, if someone “has little or no religion and delights in sensual pleasures and material goods,” which is the definition of a “pagan,” then I say live and let live.

But I have to tell you, if I were in the Air Force and was being commanded by an officer who practices hedonism as a religion (another part of the definition of “pagan”), and who dances around a circle of stones in the woods carrying a lighted candle, I would be more than a little worried about following him into battle.

Funny thing is, this is not an entirely new idea. The immortal Jean Shepherd (whose wisdom about Beer I referenced earlier) had something to say about his days in the army, when he listed himself as a "druid." Here is a long segment from his Army routine from his radio show in 1967. The audio is a little choppy in spots, but if you have a few minutes, it is worth a listen, if only because he ranges far and wide as usual and has some tangential observations that hold true even today. The Druid bit is about 10 minutes in.

11/18/1967 Army-Druid

Shepherd reports that when he was inducted, the dog tag maker insisted that he declare a religion. Not being a religious guy, Shepherd said "druid."

I thought I was being funny, but he said 'OK, I've never seen that one.' Cachunk. And for 3 1/2 years I carried a dog tag with a D on it.

The only problem, he said, was that there were no official religious holidays for Druids. Other guys in his unit, a Signal Corps radar company, got Christmas or Passover off, but not Shepherd, who spend every holiday on KP duty as a result. At least until one day, when his commanding officer called him in.

'Shepherd,' he said, 'I understand you're a Druid.' I said Yes. 'Well, I read in a book that Druids are about to celebrate Great Oak Tree Day.' I said Yes - I'm glad you care ... it's a seven-day holiday, you know. And they celebrate it in New York. It's the only temple we've got in the U.S. It's in Central Park, right by the Ice Skating Rink, in a hole in the ground.

His story of how he thereafter became a Druid chaplain is priceless.

To this day, he says, "I'm the only registered Druid" in the Department of Defense records. "You ought to see the mail I get."

On every Nov. 17, I get phone calls. All day long at the station I get calls from one member or another of Company K ... They say will you please give me the sacrament over the phone?

Incidentally, if you make it past the long Army segment, there is a WOR newscast included that is fascinating to hear, including stories about the Vietnam War and a long segment on sports, including a score of the Baltimore Bullets game and news about O.J. Simpson's standout play in a USC football game that propelled them to the Rose Bowl.

Literary criticism at its finest

2010-02-02T16:25:00.003-05:00

Wonkette on Richard Cohen's column today on the Administration's terrorism policy:

Why bother picking this apart? One criticism should suffice: many of the words that Richard typed here should not have been typed. He could strengthen his argument by deleting many of these words and replacing them with nothing. After he types his first draft, he should go back to the beginning, and delete the first word. Then the second word. The third word, fourth, etc. Eventually he will have deleted each individual word in his first draft, and no words will remain. Then he’ll have an argument!

Oh, God, how I wish I had written that paragraph.

This makes me so sad

2010-01-29T10:20:00.005-05:00

Former Greene County Sheriff Willie Morris died yesterday, apparently a suicide. Willie is a figure that looms large in my life - he was the sheriff when I started my newspaper career and the first lawman I really got to know. There are a lot of people in the world described as Larger Than Life, but Willie really deserved the title.

He was a champion weight lifter - and as a result a huge man physically - with no real law enforcement experience when he ran for office in 1983. He had been a professional painter and a bar bouncer. He said he just got fed up with the crime and disorder under the old sheriff and figured he needed to do something to make the county a better place.

And he did. He clamped down hard on the gunplay that made little rural Greene County a hotspot of homicides - there were no killings between the time he took office and late 1993. He delighted in drug raids - Greene County is ideal marijuana territory and Willie loved bounding out across dirt roads to pounce on some hidden pot field. And he became famous for running speed traps and drunken driving checkpoints. Drinking and driving had once been a weekend pass time in Greene, but it turned into a very bad idea in his county.

Willie was far from perfect as sheriff, of course. Because he had no professional law enforcement background, he managed more by enthusiasm than by proper methods. He didn't seem to pay much attention to legal niceties and he had no time at all for the sheriffs in nearby counties, many of whom were former State Troopers. He thought they were stuffy and they thought he was a dangerous loose cannon. And he did have a bad, bad temper. He legendarily beat up his brother Clyde, who was just as strong and big-hearted as Willie but had a little trouble with the bottle and spent a fair bit of time on the wrong side of the Law (and as a result, on the wrong side of Willie).

There were a lot of people in Greene who thought Willie was corrupt or incompetent. I doubt that though - I certainly never saw any evidence to back up the corruption rumors and the crime stats certainly speak for themselves in terms of Willie's effectiveness, however unconventional (and perhaps even occasionally unconstitutional) his methods.

The guy I knew had a heart as big as his muscles. He was more than kind and understanding with me, a young, out of place, inexperienced reporter. He expected a lot from his men, but he was always willing to give them a second chance, sometimes too much of a second chance.

And he was brave and dedicated to Greene County. He took a shotgun blast to the face one day in 1991 while helping a woman leave her abusive husband. The doctors down at UVA hospital told me that the main reason he even survived was the thick ropes of muscle under his skin - that blast would have killed me, or most other humans. The doctors never were able to remove all the pellets - they were lodged too close to his spine to safely remove. I know Willie suffered horrible pain the rest of his life from that. I don't know if that had anything to do with his sad end, but it wouldn't surprise me.

Of all the things I'll remember about him, though, it is his hands. He had huge, gnarled, strong hands. When you shook hands with Willie, you knew it. He loved to look good in a crisp brown uniform, with his black belt polished to a fine shine. He'd stand there proudly with those big hands planted firmly on his holster and radio. That picture is as clear in my mind as the day I was there.

Like this:

This is a photo I took of Willie, probably on some drug raid, some time in mid-1990. He was absolutely in his prime, months before the shooting. It's a shock to realize he's about the same age here that I am now. And this is how he will always be fixed in my mind.

Here's a profile of him I wrote in 1990 as part of a big series trying to explain to everyone what their five main elected officials, known as Constitutional Officers, actually did for a living.

Those years I spent in Greene loom large in my life and my memory. And Willie was a big part of it. He's a big figure in some of my favorite journalism stories. That story about the day he was shot was technically complicated, for example, by the fact that all three main characters - the sheriff, the woman, and her husband the shooter - were named Morris. And to complicate matters, Willie was related to Mrs. Morris but not Mr. Morris. Try sorting that one out in print sometime.

Willie also uttered my favorite line about law enforcement. One day we were talking about some crime story I was writing and I asked him about something stupid the criminals had done that had given them away. He leaned across the desk and looked me closely in the eye and said, "When smart people begin committing crimes you and I are in big trouble."

I haven't seen or talked to Willie in maybe 15 years, but I think of him often. And now I'm going to miss him.

Haiti, brought home

2010-01-28T19:50:00.002-05:00

I enjoy reading The New Yorker - its a great magazine, well written, stupendously edited, often informative and thought provoking (though I do wish they'd get rid of Malcolm Gladwell and Anthony Lane, but that's just me).

But never, in all my decades of reading the magazine, has New Yorker brought me to tears. This is the single best piece I have ever read in the magazine:

Haiti, the Earthquake, and my family

Life in a cube farm

2010-01-22T08:56:00.002-05:00

It's been many years since I actually worked in an office, but I was reminded this morning that there are certain patterns and habits that are common to all, particularly the strange rituals and obsessions that develop around the group lunch.

On a local discussion group, we were talking about the fate of the space formerly occupied by Susanna Foo, an excellent high-end Chinese restaurant that used to be an institution in Philadelphia. But Susanna Foo herself got tired of running the place and closed it down last year. Now the Mexican food chain Chipolte is eying the location, adding yet another semi-fast food Mexican lunch place to the already crowded niche in Center City Philly.

One poster observed that there must be a demand for such a place since there are so many of them already in the area and all seem crowded. "It's a pretty popular businessperson's lunch-hour," he said.

Another poster, known only as The Count, then responded with a story that simply crystallizes everything about life in a downtown office:

In my office, that would be an understatement.

There is a group of women in my office (20's, 30's) who declare a Qdoba Day about once a month or so.

It's insane.

The declaration usually begins with an email blast with "Qdoba!!!!!!Today!!!!!!" in the subject line.

Followed by, "We'll meet in the lobby at 12:15!!!! Don't be late!!!!!!" (Usually done in 64 font and multiple colors).

For the remainder of the morning the women will walk in and out of each other's offices and discuss what they are going to order, how much they love Qdoba, and whether they would rather have a Qdoba Burrito or 7 new pairs of Uggs.

No work gets done on Qdoba Day.

Around 11:45 begins the parade to the bathroom as the women go as a group to freshen up and re-apply make-up for Qdoba.

They will return from Qdoba around 2:00 and spend the rest of the day talking about how if Qdoba was a man they'd marry it.

It's amazing. No other lunch place anywhere in the city gets this type of reaction. Not Marathon, not Pietro's, not Oyster House, not Happy Rooster, not Shiroi Hana, not Good Dog.

In fact, if I offered them a choice between a free lunch at Parc and lunch at Qdoba I think they would take Qdoba.

I haven't enjoyed a life-in-the-office story so much in years.

A sense of adventure

2010-01-20T13:29:00.002-05:00

My youngest son is a bit of a handful. He dashes at the world at top speed with his head down, ready to bust through whatever is in his way.

He's in First Grade this year and just beginning to have serious tests and homework. Earlier this week he said he had a spelling test.

"Oh, don't worry," he explained. "I don't study. I want the test to be harder."

It isn't Yoo-Hoo

2009-12-18T15:54:00.005-05:00

My father is quite fond of Jean Shepherd. We used to listen to him on the radio and later watch his show, Jean Shepherd's America. To this day, his voice is as familiar to me as any member of my family's. And one Shepherd bit has stuck with me for years - his ode to beer. It's funny because my father dislikes beer and so at the time I saw this, I would have disapproved of beer - it wasn't until many years later that I grew into my current obsession. But still, hearing Shepherd's voice over pictures of vats of frothy beer worked a hypnotic magic on me.

This is a great old clip - Shepherd really gets cranking in his patented style around 4 minutes in, when he hoists a glass himself and recalls his father's love of beer.

"This isn't just a drink," he said. "It isn't Yoo-Hoo. This is beer."

"When you look at that glass of beer," shepherd concludes, "you're looking at life itself. The mother of us all: Beer."

There but for the grace of God...

2009-12-16T10:02:00.002-05:00

Regret the Error is out with its annual Corrections of the Year list, which is always hilarious, though I have to post my usual disclaimer: I only laugh up to a point, 'cause God knows I have published my share of howlers. Epicaricacy is not an emotion journalists should indulge in too gleefully.

The corrections list isn't quite as funny this year, I find - in fact, some of them are just pathetic (like the endless series of corrections the New York Times had to run on the now-infamous Walter Cronkite tribute article).

But there are a few I enjoyed a lot and my favorites are both geographic:

Best Geographical Error

The Justice (New York University):

The original article provided the incorrect location of New York University’s new institution. It is in Abu Dhabi, not Abu Ghraib.

Runner Up

Canadian Press:

The Canadian Press moved a story April 3 that erroneously reported The Wilkins Ice Shelf was originally part of Jamaica. In fact the Ice Shelf, located on the western side of the Antarctic was originally the size of Jamaica.

I am knocking on wood.

Do bears really do that in the woods?

2009-12-14T18:20:00.008-05:00

A hilarious send up of the pompous old Coors commercial that ran until a few years ago. This version is by Breckenridge Brewing. I am not wildly fond of Breckenridge, but they get points for a fabulous commercial:

Breckenridge Brewery - Lucky U IPA

Oh, and it is a lovely visual of where I'll be moving if I can sell this house of mine in Philly.

Perfect

2009-12-02T13:43:00.003-05:00

Washington Post TV Columnist Lisa de Moraes has a wonderful column this morning about the now infamous White House Party Crashers and their inane statements and TV appearances so far (Jezebel has a really good rundown on this for those who haven't had enough). Lisa managed to pull off one of my favorite all time bits of attribution for a quote, in discussing how Michaele Salahi keeps saying the publicity has ruined her life:

"It's been really unbearable to go through," she wailed from the Four Seasons hotel in Georgetown, where she had arrived nearly two hours earlier so people could put on her perfect makeup and dress her spectacular hair.

"Our lives have been destroyed," she added blondly.

This reminds of one of my favorite bits of fiction writing, by New Yorker writer Ring Lardner, who wrote of a young man with his father, who obviously didn't know where he was going:

Are you lost daddy, I asked ten-
derly.

Shut up, he explained.

This space available

2009-12-02T08:53:00.002-05:00

I got a number of positive responses from my post of yesterday, disclosing that I have never been compensated by anyone for any product plugs (Kraft Olde English Cheese is delicious, by the way). Several people offered to buy me a beer (Bear Republic products can't be beat). Even my old friend Charlie Puritano took time out from his busy schedule as a film-maker and part time Ninja to weigh in (PMG - look into it).

But sadly, I have yet to hear from my most lucrative potential client, Chrysler (buy a Jeep or I'll kick your ass. Seriously). You'd think they'd have a little gratitude since I have purchased not just one, but two Jeeps just this year.

Some day, I guess, I will learn how to monetize this Internet thing. Provided it isn't just a fad.

Full disclosure

2009-12-01T20:27:00.002-05:00

The new Federal Trade Commission rules on blogger disclosure have finally put me in a very uncomfortable position. So today, the day the regulations become effective, I must finally come clean about my association with the many products and services that I have mentioned in my blog over the years.

I am not proud to admit this, but federal law and decency compels me.

The sad truth is that I got paid squat. Nothing. Not even a free paperclip. I have done all my fine work, written all my intricate and well-reasoned prose, for nothing. Nobody paid me a dime. Not that I wouldn't have been happy to accept a wee token. Free Beer? Yep. Money? Damned right. Even a little pat on the back and a few kind words from some ruthless running dog of capitalism would have been nice.

But nothing.

Thanks, FTC, for making me admit publicly that my work is worthless.

From the mouths of babes

2009-11-29T13:23:00.002-05:00

My six-year-old son Colin has this friend who, for reasons that will become obvious, I will call Jack.

See, "Friend" would be an overstatement. Jack has a massive man-crush on Colin, hugs him, follows him around, hangs on his every word, generally moons over him. This has been going on since Pre-K and they are now in First Grade. Colin was at first puzzled, then annoyed by this attention. I keep trying to point out that Jack is a nice kid and Colin should put up with him since we all need all the friends we can get in life.

So at lunch today, Colin comes out with this:

"Jack is an idiot."

No, Colin, I say, Jack is a nice little boy.

"Jack is an idiot," Colin insists. "Jack is the king of idiots. If there was one idiot in the world, it would be Jack."

By which point, of course, I am struggling to keep a straight face.

Be nice, I say.

"When I tell Jack he's not my friend, he laughs - like this," says Colin, making donkey sounds.

I am laughing too hard to respond, causing people in the restaurant to turn and look at me.

"I learned in French that they have a special fancy word for idiot," Colin says. "It's Jack."

By which point I was forced to clear the tears from my eye.

Everyone's a critic

2009-11-28T17:46:00.002-05:00

I once heard some old editor - maybe it was Ben Bradlee, but maybe it was some other crusty old cuss - say that, based on the letters he received over his career, he had concluded that there were three things that every man believes he is able to do better than every other man: Build a fire, make love to woman, and edit a newspaper.

And in this spirit, I must say this guy really got under my skin:

The News Behind the Story Between the Lines of the Meta-Narrative Surrounding the Nonevent

In fact, if this idiot thinks he can run my blog better than me, I say give it a try, Buddy. I quit. You run the place for a while.

Jerk.

Meta-narratives

2009-11-19T09:20:00.000-05:00

I got a number of interesting responses to my post of yesterday about meta-narratives.

The most interesting comes from Geode, AKA Joe, who brilliantly raised the argument to the next logical level:

It seems, though, that the media itself is caught in its own meta-narrative, which you rightfully capitalize: the narrative of Left Wing Bias. The most insidious thing about a meta-narrative is that once it gets rolling, any shred or tidbit that seems to support the 'story' is picked up and carried around, but anything that would tend to undercut it is 'not particularly newsworthy.' Ignoring the fact that the supporting snippets, taken on their own, aren't particularly newsworthy! They only get picked up for how they tie into the existing, ongoing serial."

And of course, he is correct, both about the mechanics of the phenomenon and the particulars about the "mainstream media." The entire argument that there is a Left Wing Bias in the media is a meta-narrative in itself, and not one confined entirely to conservatives. Every blip, every inconsistency, and every human failing on the part of journalists is now examined at length and held up as proof that there is in fact such a bias, despite the fact that decisions in journalism rarely get made is such an organized fashion.

This points to an interesting aspect of the phenomenon, which is that meta-narratives, at least the ones that last, are not based on nothing, which is to say that they are not entirely fantasy. In every case I cited yesterday, there is at least a kernel of truth, or something that the victim of the meta-narrative did to provoke the story. Al Gore really did have a bad habit of making statements that sounded self-absorbed and boastful; George W. Bush really is incurious and sometimes says or things that make him appear shallow or ignorant; Sarah Palin really has made some statements that are jaw-droppingly vapid; Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy really did have unhealthy tastes for skirt-chasing, and in Teddy's case at least, alcohol.

And of course, the media really does have an occasional leftward bias for a lot of complicated reasons.

But in every case, the kernel of truth gets inflated and exaggerated to the point where it clings to reality by only the most tenuous thread. Unrelated stories about the person become colored inappropriately by that one aspect of his or her personality or past.

Why is this? In part, I think, it is a form of group-think. If someone is saying something that seems to run counter to the collective wisdom, it is usually easier to conclude that the one is wrong while the majority is right rather than the other way around. It is not an unreasonable presumption, but is also not always right - and it is sometimes dangerously wrong.

Another part, which is probably easy for outsiders to miss, is a technical aspect of journalism, and that is the need to frame a story, to add context and perspective. A story that only says who, what, when, and where is dull. The clincher to the story is usually "why." And, unfortunately, it is sometimes easier to fall back on an easy shorthand - Gore exaggerates, Clinton is a cad, Palin is a lightweight, Kennedy is a drunk - than dig deeper and look for the actual why. Sometimes the actual why is simply less interesting than the stereotype.

So what do we do about it? I am afraid that much of it is embedded in human nature, so it would be difficult to stamp out, particularly in highly competitive stories where lots of news organizations are focusing on a single person or issue. A few pitifully news organizations, particularly McClatchy, have a good record of resisting the herd's take on a big story (McClatchy's coverage in the run up to the Iraq war was superb). Underdog papers in the shadow of bigger competitors, like The Washington Times (where I worked for five years), do it sometimes since they are trying to define themselves in opposition to a larger paper that may be following the current meta-narrative, but that can be hit-or-miss. And certain individual reporters, such as Peter Baker of the New York Times and, formerly, the Washington Post and the Washington Times, seem to have a good instinct for spying the real story behind the clutter. Unfortunately, however, I am not sure how to institutionalize it across the media.

But as readers, there is always something we can do about it, and the answer is not revolutionary: question the common wisdom and, dare I say it, don't believe everything you read.

Media bias

2009-11-18T20:06:00.006-05:00

My old schoolmate Michael had an interesting observation on my "Letting the Story Obscure the Facts" post when it showed up over on Facebook.

Michael writes:

I have to disagree with your argument in the second to last paragraph. A McCain staffer sent a memo saying that McCain and a female lobbyist were spending a lot of one-on-one time together and it could be portrayed as him having an affair. Basically a "Heads-up" memo. The NY Times used that memo to run front-page stories for at least a week trying to imply McCain had had an affair. When John Edwards HAD A BABY with Ms Hunter (the story was broken by the National Enquirer?!) the NYTimes and most other mainstream media outlets ignored it for WEEKS until they just couldn't ignore it anymore, then they ran low-key puff-piece stories and buried it. They WILL bury a good story to advance a liberal agenda. http://www.mrc.org/BozellColumns/newscolumn/2008/col20080812.asp

It is worth addressing because it is an argument I encounter often on this topic and it contains some elements of truth, or at least that could reasonably be construed to support the Left Wing Bias theory (which is not untrue precisely, just wildly exaggerated).

First, it is important to understand that the McCain story in the Times was a lousy bit of work, but I don't think it was a partisan question - it was just a garden variety stretch for a lead that failed miserably. As a journalist, I read that and understood what the authors were aiming for, but I also saw immediately that that they had completely blown any chance of making their point - which was that McCain was excessively cozy with a lobbyist despite the fact that he had spent years decrying the corrupting influenced of lobbyists - by allowing themselves to be seduced into playing up the unsubstantiated romantic angle. Obviously we can't tell what was in the minds of the authors and editors, but almost certainly it was an ill-advised structural decision rather than a partisan one.

But more importantly, the McCain-Edwards comparison falls apart because of the relative importance of the two characters - McCain was a serving senator, a presidential nominee, and the effective head of one of the two major political parties. And he has made a major issue of attacking the corrupting influence of money and lobbyists in Washington, so any entanglement with a lobbyist, whether romantic or not, is a matter of legitimate analysis (and that was actually the thrust of the Times piece, though they totally obscured the point with their stupid insistence of hinting at a romantic liaison). Edwards, by contrast, was a two-time failed political candidate who was out of public office for the foreseeable future. He was still a figure of interest to the public, of course, but his importance was far less, not even remotely comparable to McCain's. Couple that with the mistaken, but understandable, reluctance of major media to follow the National Enquirer and the picture becomes much more clear. Had Edwards been the nominee, or were he headed in that direction, when the story broke, I guarantee that the media play would have been entirely different (and this is why Democrats were so hurt and angry, probably, since Edwards' recklessness could have ruined the party had he been the nominee).

Unfortunately, the notion that the media has a sharp and deliberate leftward tilt is now so entrenched than a human failings and poor decisions, such as the one that afflicted the Times on their terrible McCain story, or the one that left mainstream news organizations trailing a supermarket tabloid, do begin to look like evidence of some dark conspiracy.

But that is reading far to much into the way the media works. The real answer is much more mundane, and that is that Edwards just wasn't as interesting a story, politically speaking, even if the tale had a bit of sex and hypocrisy in it. In 20 years in newsrooms of both a leftward and rightward orientation, I have never seen a decision made in the manner conservatives suggest. It just doesn't work that way, fortunately.

Letting the story obscure the facts

2009-11-18T13:37:00.002-05:00

One of the several discussion groups I prowl has a lively debate over the intensive fact checking by the Associated Press on Sarah Palin's new book. Many of the more conservative posters seem to see this as yet another example of the media's clear Left Wing Bias.

It seems to me that there IS a clear bias in the media, but it is not particularly partisan. Instead, it is content related - the media is always biased toward a good story. And there is a little-understood dynamic in the press, particularly the national press corps, known as the "Meta-narrative." That is when a person or issue gets caught in some larger story, wherein every incremental development or any individual news piece becomes emblematic of some larger truth (whether that truth is strictly speaking true or not). For example, the notion that George H.W. Bush was out so out of touch that he didn't know what a grocery scanner was. Not true at all - it was a distortion of a rather geeky "Gee Whiz" comment he made once when trying to make small talk with a store clerk on a mishandled press event - but it became a dominant theme of the 1992 election.

Or that Al Gore exaggerated so much that he even claimed to have invented the Internet or have discovered Love Canal. Again, not true - an exaggeration of some ill-advised (but not entirely untrue) boasts he made at various events. But that becomes the overriding theme of the 2000 campaign. And George W. was struggling against his own meta-narrative that he was a dim bulb. Not true, of course, and based on the fact that he tends to mangle his words, particularly when he is fatigued (on the campaign trail he got worse as the day wore on to the point where his evening events were nearly unintelligible in parts).

Palin stumbled into the "serial liar" and "shallow" bits through the horrendous Katie Couric interviews and now she is stuck in her own awful meta-narrative. Every tiny blip becomes emblematic of the larger story that she is a clueless hick, a deer caught in the headlights. The closest analogy I can think of is the Gore campaign - by the end, reporters were fact-checking virtually every word he breathed, so we got idiotic story cycles about things like how much his mother REALLY spent on prescriptions for her dog. Had he published a book during the 2000 campaign, I have little doubt that it would have received a similarly thorough scrubbing as Palin's book, and every little irregularity would have been more fodder for the Serial Exaggerator label.

It is very difficult to break that kind of meta-narrative, as George W. can testify. Or Bill Clinton, who still gets smirking coverage from some publications any time he is within sneezing distance of a pretty woman. Or Ted Kennedy, who was portrayed as a womanizing drunk almost to the end of his days, although he had changed his ways years before. Gore is an interesting case, however. He managed to seize control of the story by dropping out of sight for a couple of years, changing his appearance (remember the beard? I doubt that was an accident, and if it was, it was a fortuitous one), and then reinventing himself as an environmental crusader. Whatever the weaknesses of his books and movies, he has created his own meta-narrative as a visionary environmentalist. It is one of the cleverest bits of media reinvention I have ever seen. There is a book in there somewhere for some enterprising media critic.

So I think criticisms of the media based purely on partisan politics largely miss the point of what's actually going on. It's indisputable that media organizations tend to skew left of center, but not even remotely as far as some conservatives would suggest. And reporters and editors will merrily abandon any shred of partisan bias for a crack at a good story, as the Gore campaign in 2000 shows. If partisanship were the dominant factor in the mainstream media, then Gore should have been the critical darling of the media in 2000, as he is today. But he wasn't at the time - the coverage he received was punishing and largely hostile.

Whether Palin can break her own meta-narrative - or whether she even wants to - will be an interesting thing to watch.

For gamer geeks of a certain age

2009-11-17T21:04:00.001-05:00

You know who you are...

Music to buy food by

2009-11-17T20:06:00.003-05:00

To the extent I ever thought about it, I always supposed that music in stores was intended to emphasize the mood to shop, to make you more willing to part with your cash.

But now I am forced to reevaluate this notion.

I was in my friendly neighborhood Superfresh the other day ("Your Supermarket of Choice!" Whatever the Hell that means) when I began tuning into to the music droning on over my head. Some inoffensive Billy Joel - "Captain Jack" specifically. Oh, sure, the content is a little heavy (an anti-heroin song, or whatever), but it is perfect, hypnotically bland music by which to buy groceries.

But then something weird happened. The next song featured a familiar buzz-saw guitar intro and the unmistakable mad howling laugh of the singer. I listened more closely.

Yes. "Crazy Train" by Ozzy Osbourne.

I wonder what retail consultant looked at the playlist and said "Yes, Sir,Ozzy Osbourne. THAT will make people in South Philly buy more bread and milk."

Hungry yet?

Isn't there an easier way

2009-10-17T10:12:00.002-04:00

I read this with considerable curiority this morning:

Scientists create sexual tsunami

Even leaving aside the weird metaphor the headline writer chose, this is an odd article. To summarize, scientists bred a fruit fly that lacked the gene to produce a characteristic pheromone, and to their surprise found that it actually made the flies sexually irresistible to other fruit flies, including ones of the same gender. Even flies of other species were interested.

"Lacking these chemical signals eliminated barriers to mating," Prof Levine said.

This seems like a lot of trouble to get fruit flies all worked up. In the human world, we just get a couple of kegs of beer.

The Empire is Spells Back

2009-10-15T17:50:00.002-04:00

Apparently even Imperial Stormtroopers have spelling homework.

On Philadelphia

2009-10-14T15:30:00.003-04:00

I think it is fair to say that I have a complicated relationship with Philadelphia. I came here five years ago, sort of by accident, intending to stay only about a year. Ever since, the whole family has been on near continuous alert that we might be leaving.

Fair to say that this makes it a bit difficult to settle in.

Well, now we have our actual ticket to ride - the high Rockies of Colorado. Clean air, space, mountains (snow). We love that part of the world, and have family out there, so we're excited. My wife is set to move out there in November; the boys and I will join her in a few months.

But I think I had expected to be more joyful on leaving. Certainly a couple of years ago I would have been celebrating wildly. Now, I am more equivocal. We've met a lot of good people here in Philadelphia. In fact, I would say everyone we have met has been friendly. God knows Philadelphians can be gruff (and incredibly rude behind the wheel), but by and large, this city turns out to consist of genuine, friendly people who are honestly delighted that you want to live here with them. That's refreshing, and not something I have ever experienced before in all the places I have lived.

And its a city that knows how to relax in a way I like - a hearty meal and a really good beer. This is, arguably, the best beer drinking city in the country. Even cities that might have an equal claim to the beer crown concede that Philly is one of the best. Sure, all the good times add an inch or two to the collective waistline (I cop to this myself), but I think it's good for the city's soul. I am going to miss being able to walk to a bar or restaurant and be reasonably sure of having a really nice experience.

Strangest of all, I have become a Phillies fan. I grew up in Washington, so Redskins run in my veins, but the Washington Senators left town when I was just five. I never had the chance to develop an emotional attachment to them, or any major league team (and don't give me the Orioles - they belong to Baltimore, not Washington. Asking a DC fan to embrace them is like watching a bunch of Phillies fans suddenly have to worship the Yankees. Not gonna happen). Because of my 'Skins background, I will probably never be able to fully embrace the Eagles (though I am more sympathetic now than I used to be), but it's been a really rewarding experience to come to know the Phillies and watch them. I feel like I am moving away from a new friend. It makes me sad.

There is a lot I won't miss - the crime, the corruption and incompetence, the taxes, the driving, the trash on the sidewalk, all those things Philadelphians learn to live with. But I am going to look back on my five years here with some affection.

Thanks Philly. Come see me in the mountains sometime.

Fourty, Forty

2009-10-11T10:47:00.002-04:00

Brother Geode rightly points out that I misspelled the word for 40 on my previous post. And I think this needs to be addressed.

I like "Fourty." Spelling it "Forty" just strikes me as weirdly sterile. It may be right, but I don't like it. "Fourty" is big and round an satisfying, like spelling the color "Grey" rather than "Gray." I certainly never condone, say, "Threety" for 30, or "Fivety" for 50, but I sure do hope that "Fourty" becomes a standard, acceptable spelling.

So I am not changing it, no matter what. Know why? This is my blog and I can spell things however the Hell I want. I can even say bad words on it if I want. But that would be tacky.

Fourty things I have learned living in Philadelphia

2009-10-10T20:11:00.002-04:00

1. Hoagies are a cuisine, perhaps an entire food group, unto themselves.

2. It is in fact possible to run an entire city on a volatile combination of inertia and corruption.

3. All mafia jokes aside, when you're in trouble, it's good to have friends among the South Philly Italians.

4. Mafia? There's no mafia. I don't know anything about that.

5. You know that cliché, "Streets so clean you could eat off them”? Whoever first said it was not in Philadelphia at the time.

6. Real Philadelphians never leave Philadelphia.

7. There is absolutely nothing to do at The Shore.

8. Nobody in Philadelphia vacations anywhere but The Shore.

9. No matter how hard they try, the Eagles will never be good enough for their fans.

10. New Jersey is an all together nicer state than anyone gives it credit for. The reverse is true of Delaware.

11. The stuff you get from the tap is pronounced "wudder."

12. You got a problem with that?

13. It may be spelled "Schuylkill," but it's pronounced "skoo-kul."

14. C-Y-N-W-Y-D is a perfectly acceptable way to spell "Kenwood."

15. Even in a town that is home to some of the best beer in the country, many people still drink Coors Light.

16. Even in a town that is home to some of the best beer in the country, many people think that Yuengling is the good stuff.

17. What do you get when you take Philadelphia and Pittsburgh out of Pennsylvania? Mississippi.*

18. Pennsylvania proves that there is at least one state in the Union that has a worse government structure than California.

19. New Jersey proves that there are at least two.

20. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.

21. There is no point in using perfectly good road names like "Roosevelt Boulevard," and "I-476" when you can use Mapquest-defying colloquialisms like "The Boulevard," and "The Blue Route."

22. Mapquest often does not work well in Philadelphia.

23. Asking directions often does not work well in Philadelphia.

24. Even Philadelphians are confused by their crazy, poorly marked road system.

25. You got a problem with that?

26. Watch out, there's dog poop right in front of you on the sidewalk.

27. And there also. Sorry.

28. With a few exceptions, everything Billy Joel has ever written is hopeless crap.

29. With a few exceptions, everything that Bon Jovi sings is crap. But it's fun crap.

30. There are still radio stations that play the crap written by Bruce Hornsby.

31. The recycling collectors get to decide what they will take from the curb and what they will arbitrarily leave behind in a big messy heap.

32. The Liberty Bell has pretty much nothing to do with the American Revolution, or anything much to do with Liberty for that matter.

33. Oh, and the crack is actually kind of fake too.

34. The Park Service security around the Liberty Bell is tighter than TSA security at the Philadelphia Airport.

35. There are few airports in the country that suck more than the Philadelphia Airport.

36. Remember your luggage? Kiss it goodbye.

37. Buying alcoholic beverages in Pennsylvania is an Orwellian nightmare.

38. Owning a business in Philadelphia is a privilege. **

39. Philadelphians complain incessantly about their city. But you better say only nice things.

40. You got a problem with that?

* I say this, of course, merely for Ironic Effect and I mean no disrespect to my friends in Mississippi, which is obviously somewhat more sophisticated than the non-urban part of Pennsylvania, which even its residents refer to as "Pennsyltucky."

** If, of course, one believes the city government, which levies the unbelievably onerous "Business Privilege Tax," making Philadelphia the only city that taxes both gross revenue and net profit.

Just to put it in perspective

2009-10-04T16:06:00.004-04:00

To give put some context on my previous post, consider this.

THAT guy somehow managed to convince THIS girl to go out with him:

Despite the fact that not only did he look like a giant hairball, he was driving THIS car:

The mind boggles.

Old times

2009-10-03T17:32:00.002-04:00

Damn, I looked GOOD. No wonder girls were too intimidated to pay any attention to me back in 1986:

How we live today

2009-09-16T08:28:00.003-04:00

A former federal prosecutor, George Parry, has an interesting Op-Ed in the Inquirer this morning, noting that Philadelphia has fallen on hard times indeed - even the Mob is moving out.

Up from a high of 80 members, the small but once-feared Mob is now down to a mere 10 or so guys on the street, with another 10 or so cooling their heels in prison. Far from being a triumph of police work, the author argues, it is a mark of how big a mess the city has become.

"It means that we have so little going for us that we can't even attract and keep a decent-sized organized-crime family. Things have deteriorated so badly that not even these bums want to live and commit crimes here."

Hooray for us.

Of course, on the up side, the Inquirer also reports that the top selling item at a local pet boutique chain is a woolly Michael Vick chew toy for your dog to nibble on while you watch the Eagles.

At least that's something.

My beer tried to kill me

2009-09-12T18:19:00.000-04:00

I have a few cases of almost forgotten homebrewed beer in the basement and I figured I ought to fish some of it up before it loses any appeal. So this afternoon, I hefted up a partial case of a nice IPA I brewed last fall and set it down in front of the fridge. I leaned over to clear some space on a shelf. Then I heard a pop and felt a searing pain. I looked down and realized a bottle had exploded right between my legs, driving the neck and cap straight up into my undefended crotch.

Let me tell you, this hurt a very great deal. Perhaps more than a great deal.

I guess it beats a piece of glass in the eye, but I will be remembering this for a few days.

The only good news is that, based on the aroma of the exploded bottle, the hop character has held up pretty well over the last 10 months. As long as the remaining bottles don't blow up on me, I am in for a few reasonable glasses of beer.

Fun with English

2009-09-08T17:27:00.002-04:00

We were wandering through the wilds of Arizona recently when we happened upon a remote hotel and diner kind of place. The guests appeared to be mostly German and Japanese. One of the Japanese men was wearing a shirt that caught my eye. Under the logo for something called "The California Surfing Company" it said:

"Sports requires a balance of mind when practiced with patience, it's very pleasant. Surfing."

I don't recall seeing that one at the T-Shirt shops of Venice and Malibu.

The truth comes out

2009-08-06T12:30:00.003-04:00

Apparently, my awful secret has been revealed. Much as I pose a humble American journalist, I am in fact the illegitimate child of a Russian drifter named Shemp and famous film actress and Princess Grace Kelly.

There. I said it.

What a way to go

2009-08-04T08:09:00.008-04:00

I have no idea if this little bit of code is accurate, but it is an amusing way to consider how to drink yourself to death. It suggests that I would need to down 26 bottles of delicious Mirror Pond Pale Ale by Deschutes in a three hour period to be sure of finishing the job:

CHOOSE YOUR DRINK

HOW MUCH DO YOU WEIGH?

GIRL OR GUY?

Created by Bar Stools

Truer words

2009-07-26T10:32:00.004-04:00

I was cleaning up some old computer files this morning and ran across the remnant of a letter I wrote to a friend in 1996 (Yes, a real postal letter. Remember those?). In it, I relate how relatively quiet life was - I was getting ready to take an exciting new job, my wife was prospering at her job, we had gone to see old friends. And I opined that a quiet life is a good thing:

"Truth be told, I like it that way," my smug 28-year-old self wrote. "When you're very young, you think you want to spend every day tackling deep philosophical questions and saving the world. Get a little older and you realize that cold beer, color television (with a remote), and soft toilet paper are about all a man really needs on most days."

I really wish I had known how true this is. And how much truer it continues to get.

I'm watching you

2009-06-27T20:31:00.001-04:00

The one that got away

2009-06-20T15:50:00.002-04:00

Comedy is, as Steve Martin observes, not pretty. An internal filter, while it may be an excellent social survival mechanism, is often death to perfectly good humor.

There is one straight line that I have always regretted passing up, a regret so deep that it has been slightly life altering.

Back several years ago, a friend typed a post on a discussion group, a post she called "A Purple Brassiere":

All my life, I have worn white, and beige, with the occasional black
for evening. Last shopping trip, I decided to chuck it all and go
PURPLE. It's bright, easter-egg purple. And I bought bright baby
blue just for fun too, but that doesn't have quite the same effect.

Ladies, let me tell you, it is amazing. No one can see it, of
course, with the type of stuff I wear (being 40 and saggy and all)
but I KNOW IT'S THERE. It has put a swagger in my step and a bounce
in my stride. I highly recommend it. I had me a red one once, but
it just made me feel slutty (not always a bad thing), but this
purple makes me feel marvelously . . . something. Can't find a
precise word. It's wonderful.

My immediate impulse was to write:

"Now you know what it's like to have a dick."

But of course I restrained myself. And I have regretted it often, 'cause that is some premium comedy right there. From that moment, I resolved to say whatever the hell that comes to my mind, consequences be damned. Sometimes I have regretted that too. And sometimes I cannot live up to such a high standard. But it is a noble aspiration.

On Having Children, Pt. 2

2009-06-12T17:30:00.003-04:00

My older son today got an award on the last day of school - everyone in the whole school gets something, so some of the categories are distinctly weird.

But our credulity was strained to the limit when he reported the pin he received was for "Best Aggression." Not only would this be wildly out of character for my son, it seems like an utterly bizarre thing to reward outside the context of, say, football camp or the Marine Corps.

But then we figured out it was "best progression," based on his amazing progress in Math this year.

It makes a lot more sense, but I am strangely disappointed. "Best Aggression" is actually kind of a cool category, now that I think about it.

How cool would this be?

2009-06-12T17:26:00.001-04:00

Usually, I am not fond of being injured, but I must say I am madly jealous of this little kid. How come I couldn't get hit by a space rock?

A 14-year old German boy was hit in the hand by a pea-sized meteorite that scared the bejeezus out of him and left a scar.

"When it hit me it knocked me flying and then was still going fast enough to bury itself into the road," Gerrit Blank said in a newspaper account. Astronomers have analyzed the object and conclude it was indeed a natural object from space, The Telegraph reports.

...

There are a handful of reports of homes and cars being struck by meteorites, and many cases of space rocks streaking to the surface and being found later.

But human strikes are rare. There are no known instances of humans being killed by space rocks.

Maybe I have changed my mind

2009-06-10T16:36:00.003-04:00

I normally don't like practical jokes. In part this because I am susceptible to them - for a professional cynic, I am a surprisingly trusting guy. And also I seem to have an extra empathy gene - even when the joke is not on me, I simply cannot stand to see other people embarrassed. I begin to squirm at the mere idea that someone is embarrassed. This is why I have a hard time watching prank shows or game shows that involve public humiliation. I feel their distress just as keenly as if it were happening to me.

Except that I really must admit that this is the best prank of all time and I laughed until it hurt. To quote from The Smoking Gun:

A telephone prankster posing as a sprinkler company employee caused havoc Saturday morning at an Arkansas Holiday Inn when he convinced an employee to set off the hotel's fire alarm, smash windows, shut down electricity, and break a sprinkler head that flooded the building lobby. The bizarre incident is detailed in a report prepared by the Conway Police Department, which, as seen below, photographed the aftermath of the June 6 incident. According to police, Holiday Inn employee Christina Bergmann was at the front desk early Saturday when a male caller "identified himself as an employee of Grennel Fire Sprinkler service." The man told Bergmann that there was a problem with the hotel's fire sprinklers and that she "needed to pull the fire alarm to reset them," cops reported. "Bergmann proceeded to pull the fire alarm at this point, causing the audible alarm." Bergmann, aided by a hotel guest, would subsequently follow a series of directions from the caller that would result in about $50,000 in damages to the hotel's windows, carpets and electrical system.

That is what humor is all about. Inspired.

Party?

2009-06-09T17:01:00.001-04:00

Wow, my control panel tells me I have 200 POSTS on my blog!

Do I, like, get an award or a pizza party or something?

No?

Shit.

On Having Children

2009-06-06T21:42:00.001-04:00

Having kids means hearing strings of words that do not normally go together in regular conversation.

This evening, after depositing the children in bed later than I had intended, I heard a mighty cry from the bedroom. I stormed in, with my best Scary Dad stomp, to see what was up, and my youngest cried out "Evan was licking my pillow."

What in the Hell am I supposed to say to that?

The Jolly Jeep of Doom

2009-06-06T07:50:00.003-04:00

Small things make me happy - a good beer, a beautiful sunset, a perfectly cooked meal, comfy shoes. You get the idea.

But sometimes really big things make me happy, like a gigantic green four door Jeep Wrangler.

So when it became clear that my 2000 BMW was becoming prohibitively expensive to keep running (Like $11,000 in maintenance in four years), I knew we had to act.

Behold the Jolly Jeep of Doom:

Now all I want to do all day is go drive around in my Jeep. Even grocery shopping is more fun in a Jeep.

Things I had forgotten about until today

2009-06-05T14:59:00.002-04:00

Saw this posted on a local website I like and I was briefly transported back. Did we all ever look this young?

Things I did not know until today

2009-06-05T13:09:00.001-04:00

There is a town in Kentucky called "Sugartit."

Digusting?

2009-05-28T09:36:00.006-04:00

I rarely read Nicholas Kristof columns, largely because I have a strict limit on the number of angry articles about Darfur I may read in a year (Just one. Thanks for reminding me of my impotence to cure man's inhumanity to man, Nick), but he has an interesting column today, which I read by accident at the gym:

Would You Slap Your Father? If So, You’re a Liberal

Seems that your relative tendency to be a conservative is correlated with how likely you are to find something disgusting. At least, that's what some researchers at the University of Virginia say. And if it's happening at UVA, then I am inclined to believe it.

But still, I decided to take the survey myself (actually, it's a bunch of related surveys, and it took some time to complete them, but it's not like I have any actual paying work today, so what the Hell).

Your Morals survey

And, of course, it isn't as simple as Kristof suggests, but the results are fairly interesting. Turns out I am very slightly more prone to be disgusted than the average of people who have taken the survey, but mostly related to actually contaminated stuff - spoiled meat, spoiled milk, that kind of thing. Stuff that might be called merely "icky", like touching a dead body or seeing rats, doesn't bother me much at all. But I knew that already. I wonder to what extent my experience as a cook skews my responses - I think I am particularly sensitive to food that is bad simply because I have been exposed to food so intimately all my life and it is so important for me to be aware of the quality and condition of ingredients.

I wonder if cooks are more conservative. Maybe that's another survey.

There are a couple of oddball problems with the survey. For example, the "sacredness" survey tries to gauge how likely to are to violate some core principle for money by asking you how much it would take to do certain things, such as shoot an endangered animal or curse your parents. They call it the "what would you do for a million dollars" survey. The problem at least for me is that I am not terribly motivated by money (or I wouldn't be a journalist, obviously), so I answered either I'd do it for free or I would never do it for any price to every question. I mean, if someone wanted to actually pay me to flip off my professor, I'd be glad to take their cash, but I might very well do it free anyway just to see what happens. But at the same time, even a million dollars wouldn't induce me to cut off contact with my family for a year.

The road not taken

2009-05-18T14:22:00.003-04:00

Oh, how I wish I had been an ichthyologist. Not because I have any interest in fish - in fact, I usually find them disturbing and unpleasant, except when they are converted into Sushi or a well-timed Filet-o-Fish - but because it would be so cool to say "I am an ichthyologist."

Better yet, I want to be a "Freelance Ichthyologist."

That would make me happy.

Tasting Beer in the Future

2009-05-11T09:14:00.000-04:00

Believe it or not, I actually managed to use this phrase in perfectly normal conversation recently. And it suddenly occurred to me that "Tasting Beer in the Future" would be an outrageously good name for an album or a novel.

Pubic humiliation

2009-05-01T22:30:00.003-04:00

My favorite newspaper correction website, Regret the Error, has a lovely little piece this week on a lengthy correction in the Irish Times, lamenting that the letter L, "that slenderest and most treacherous of letter types," has somehow slipped from a key phrase, making the author appear to say that something was a matter of "pubic faith."

"This is a risk that serious newspapers, in which the word “public” will always feature prominently, run every day," the Times writes. "It wouldn’t be as big a problem if, for example, it was the ‘b’ that kept dropping out. But then we or the spellchecker would notice that. Whereas the lower-case “l” has a Judas-like ability to slip away unnoticed, with embarrassing results."

This happened to me once, as I have probably typed here somewhere before, when I wrote about a "poorly attended public hearing" in Greene County, Virginia. At least that's what I MEANT to type, except for that damned L.

The error slipped passed me, my editor, my publisher, and several other people who read the page as I was laying it out. It was only revealed the next day, when a local attorney called my editor and noted that "Had I known it was going to be a pubic hearing, I might have attended."

That is only slightly more embarrassing than the ad we ran in the same paper a year earlier in the annual Christmas special edition which wished us all "Peach on Earth."

Does this idiotic bling make me look fat?

2009-04-30T10:07:00.000-04:00

Personalized Glitter Graphics

An important milestone

2009-04-20T21:14:00.003-04:00

There are many important milestones in life - reaching 16 so you can drive, reaching 21 so you can drink, getting married, having kids, buying a house, turning 30, turning 40 and so on.

These we can predict.

But once in a while, a milestone smacks you upside the head and you realize it was coming, but you never saw it approaching. Or, perhaps, even knew in advance that it was a milestone.

Today, I reached such a milestone. For the first time, my car insurance payment was less than my life insurance payment - $95 versus $135 dollars.

Oy vey.

The best $5 I ever spent

2009-04-11T10:41:00.002-04:00

Who knew that stick-on fake mustaches would be such endless fun?

Metaphor of the day

2009-04-02T08:35:00.002-04:00

There's this guy on this local discussion group I frequent and he's kind of weird. Seemed very earnest, perhaps a little dim (or so I had thought until today), and he seems to be fanatically dedicated to restoring strict republican virtues and an absolute, rock solid literaltist reading of the Constitution (he makes Ron Paul seem like Warren Burger).

But my estimation of him went up considerably this morning when I read this little turn of phrase, which he dashed off in response to a lawyer who was mocking another of his earnest little pleas to return to the faith of the Founding Fathers:

"Rather than fight to uphold the dignity of your lifelong career, it is easier to sit on your haunches warming yourself on the campfire of wall street greed."

That, friends, is pure genius. It is so bad that only a really gifted writer could have conceived it.

Best press release ever

2009-03-26T16:10:00.002-04:00

The Pennsylvania Governor's Office press person just sent out a release under the subject line "No public schedule for Governor Rendell for March 27, 2009"

This is not unusual. But the text of the message caught my eye:

PRIVILEGED AND CONFIDENTIAL COMMUNICATION
The information transmitted is intended only for the person or entity to whom it is addressed and may contain confidential and/or privileged material. Any use of this information other than by the intended recipient is prohibited. If you receive this message in error, please send a reply e-mail to the sender and delete the material from any and all computers. Unintended transmissions shall not constitute waiver of the attorney-client or any other privilege.

This seems like a perfect thing to attach to a release that went to hundreds of reporters across the Commonwealth. After all, what do Reporters do best besides keep secrets?

This sounds like a GREAT job

2009-03-18T18:48:00.004-04:00

Reporter with benefits? Does this mean you get to sleep with your coworkers with no strings attached?

Journalism would be in better shape if more newspapers had this policy.

My solution for the Auto Industry

2009-02-19T09:47:00.002-05:00

CNN says today that the Auto Industry bailout will end up costing something like $130 billion. This got me to thinking - why are we just sending the car companies money? I have a much better idea.

Let's think about some numbers first.

Car Buyers Notebook tells me that the average new car in 2008 cost $28,715. You can buy a pretty nice car for that even in 2009, so long as you don't want to go all Tricked Out Lexus or something, so let's use that as a working number for the 2009 model year.

That means $130 billion will buy roughly 4,527,250 pretty decent new cars, maybe more if we make the car companies a nice offer.

The Census Bureau tells me that there are roughly 101,301,401 Americans between the ages of 20 and 70 in the U.S. Let's call that prime driving age.

That means the U.S. government could buy about 1 nice new car for every 22 Americans.

I say let's just buy 4.5 million new cars and give them out by lottery. You gotta figure at least some of those 101 million driving-age Americans don't want or need a new car for some reason, so your odds are likely to be a hell of a lot better than 1 in 22 of getting a brand new vehicle.

Who's with me? Personally, Mr. President, I'll take a new 4-door Jeep Wrangler. I promise to take very good care of it.

Fun with lyrics

2009-02-17T15:37:00.002-05:00

This simply speaks for itself

I once got in trouble at a radio station where I worked for taping over the title of this very song and replacing it with:

Awl Bye Mice Elf.

The program director did not find my sense of humor endearing for some reason.

Build the Death Star

2009-02-05T17:18:00.002-05:00

To Hell with the Stimulus Package. I know how to get the economy working - let's build a real, live Death Star. Then we can get all those unemployed autoworkers and contractors back to work (and incidentally me too, since news publications would need lots of coverage of the project). Then we can go scare the hooey out of the microbes on Mars and otherwise menace the universe.

Here's how:

Death Star Costs $15.6 Septillion

One Death Star for $15 Septillion? What a deal!

Dave for President Pt. 2

2009-02-04T16:09:00.002-05:00

Here David Letterman conducts the kind of interview that every journalist longs to do, or at least should aspire to. This is an act of journalistic brilliance. He's polite, gives the man his say, and yet he tells the unfettered truth in a non-confrontational way. Genius.

Letterman Interviews Blagojevich

25 things about me

2009-02-02T22:21:00.006-05:00

Several people on Facebook have tagged me with this 25 Things About Me game. I find it sort of interesting, but I am not sure I want to play exactly as required. It smacks too much of a chain letter, and I throw those away on principle. And yet, the game is sort of fun - some of the results come close to poetry (Look here and you'll see what I mean).

So I am going to say 25 things about me, but I am not going to tag 25 of my closest friends, relations, and henchmen. So sue me.

1. I have a morbid fascination with Chinese buffets.

2. I always wanted to be a Constitutional lawyer.

3. I have an irrational fear of compressed gasses of all sorts.

4. People don’t seem to believe me when I say I am both shy and lazy.

5. Animals interest me only in so far as I can cook delicious meals with them. But I would cook them with deep love and respect.

6. I think the Rolling Stones are better as an idea than as a rock band. Ditto for U2.

7. I have a bad temper, but it takes a long time to get to it.

8. I am a surprisingly good body surfer.

9. Good beer brings me joy.

10. I like American Idol and I don’t care who knows it.

11. I remember being five years old – and I miss it.

12. When I attempt to speak a foreign language, I suffer a crippling bout of insecurity, which instantly renders me unintelligible.

13. I have disproportionately short legs.

14. I cry when I read the final chapter of the House at Pooh Corner.

15. Driving to some place new is one of my quiet pleasures.

16. I always wished my hair was straight so I could wear it really long without looking like Kenny G.

17. I believe that most people in government sincerely want to serve the public interest, although they don’t always succeed.

18. I like to eat lunch alone.

19. I have an enduring and completely inexplicable fixation on Russian history.

20. I write better when I am hungry, but I only think I write better when I am drunk.

21. If money were no object, I would live on Maui.

22. I think Vegemite is delicious if eaten in moderation.

23. I maintain my own sourdough yeast colony, making me, technically, a yeast farmer.

24. My math skills are dismal, even with a calculator.

25. I have yet to decide what I want to do when I grow up.

Write Your Own, Pt. 1

2009-01-30T10:14:00.003-05:00

Thomas L. Friedman column (circle your choices):

The other day I (had lunch with/was thinking about/was skiing with/saw) (King Abdullah/Henry Kissinger/a homeless man/ a fuzzy bunny) and he was (talking policy/eating an eggroll/wearing a tam o’shanter).

Suddenly I (realized/discovered/remembered/imagined) that (the Bush Administration/Barack Obama/the economy/the entire history of mankind) could be (explained/wiped out/summarized) by (a childish scribble on a napkin/a billboard in the background/drinking heavily).

See? It's so easy a child could do it!

I know what I am giving for Christmas

2009-01-29T12:35:00.001-05:00

From Chronicle Book's description:

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies features the original text of Jane Austen's beloved novel with all-new scenes of bone-crunching zombie action. As our story opens, a mysterious plague has fallen upon the quiet English village of Meryton—and the dead are returning to life! Feisty heroine Elizabeth Bennet is determined to wipe out the zombie menace, but she's soon distracted by the arrival of the haughty and arrogant Mr. Darcy. What ensues is a delightful comedy of manners with plenty of civilized sparring between the two young lovers—and even more violent sparring on the blood-soaked battlefield as Elizabeth wages war against hordes of flesh-eating undead.

Release date is sometime in April.

Curse that spam filter...

2009-01-29T09:33:00.003-05:00

My Spam Filter informs me that it has spiked perhaps the most important email of my life.

You have received a message that is probably SPAM.

To: admin@seanibus.com
Mailbox: admin@seanibus.com
From: ""
Date: Thursday, January 29, 2009, at 07:30 am
Subj: Re: Message from President

I am so sorry I missed the president when he needed me. I ought to give Barack a call and see what's up.

Things I think about, Pt. III

2009-01-27T14:01:00.002-05:00

I felt compelled to look this up today.

The U.S. accounts for more than 48 percent of all defense spending in the entire world, if you take into account the costs of the Iraq and Afghanistan wars and the cost of maintaining nuclear weapons, which is not paid for by the military (who knew?).

In 2008, the whole world spent $1.43 trillion on military stuff. The U.S. spends $711 billion of that.

If you add up our spending and that of our NATO allies, that comes to something like 72 percent of all military spending on the planet.

I also wanted to look this up:

The U.S. operates about two thirds of all the aircraft carriers in the world. We have 12 active super-carriers (with at least two more inactive but fit to recommission quickly), plus at least 10 of the smaller amphibious assault ships, which are effectively aircraft carriers. Even using a fairly generous definition of "aircraft carrier", there are only 13 active non-American carriers on the whole planet and only England and France have more than one (the Royal Navy has four, the French have two).

This leaves me with an important question:

Shouldn't we be kicking butt somewhere or something?

Do I know how to pick 'em or what?

2009-01-14T12:01:00.003-05:00

My mother has long said that every time she finds a food or beverage she really likes, the company discontinues it. I'd think she was making it up, but I have watched it happen many times.

Seems much the same is true for me, but more on the career track.

When I was a teenager, I developed a passionate interest in rock music and set about collecting as much new and classic vinyl, both 45 and 33 rpm, as I could get. This interest led me to a passionate interest in radio. I grew my hair long and set about to play Led Zeppelin deep cuts late into the night.

That didn't work out so well. Not only did CDs kill my beloved vinyl, Clear Channel and others killed my beloved radio. Within a couple of years, I was playing pop songs by Debbie Gibson and Tiffany and wondering if it was possible to be any more bored on the air.

So I tried newspapers. That worked out pretty well, until everyone decided newspapers were dead. And now it doesn't work so well any more.

Simple, I thought, I'll switch to magazines - they've got deep pockets. And that worked really well for four or five years.

And then this: magazine ad pages down 12 percent last year. My formerly lucrative clients at Time and People magazines were down 19 and 12 percent.

And in the meantime, I have developed a number of hobbies, all which could have been good career paths. Early in my newspaper career, I developed a passion and modest talent for Photography. My particular favorite was Kodak slide film.

Sensing a pattern?

Lately,I have gotten terribly interested in brewing beer at home. I joined just in time for a horrifying crisis in the supply of Hops and soaring prices for commodities such as Barley.

Sean strikes again.

So now newspapers are dead (but just haven't stopped kicking) and magazines are dying, and film-based photography is a historical curiosity and radio is both painfully dull and automated and beer is too expensive to drink.

Any suggestions on my next career move? Anyone have an industry you'd like to see collapse within the next decade? I'd be willing to take a job there and work my usual magic - for a small fee.

Save Top Chef

2009-01-13T12:59:00.003-05:00

I'll admit it - I love Top Chef on Bravo. I never miss an episode. My wife and I sit glued to the tube dissecting dishes the way football fans analyze the minutia of every play. I try to skim over the obnoxious product placements and the sometimes completely demented challenges that would try the skill and patience of many a professional chef. I just like it because it is about cooking. And I love to cook.

So I was completely dismayed to find that the producers of Top Chef have abruptly replaced judge Gail Simmons with someone named Toby Young. It's not that I miss Gail so much (I found her cranky and rather difficult to look at; she appears to have some odd plastic surgery. Just my layman's opinion). It's that this Toby Young guy is a complete jerk, at least based on the opening episode last week. He seems predisposed to hate everything. He talks about himself incessantly (I don't care that he ate real German food while living in an isolated shack in the Alps). He makes glib, shallow pop-culture references constantly (comparing an avocado sorbet to the performance of Tom Cruise in Tropic Thunder? Spare me).

I didn't know who this guy was until I saw the episode last night. I am reliably informed today that he is modestly famous for having some sort of book about Graydon Carter and Vanity Fair, which in itself tells me as much as I need to know about how seriously to take him.

I want him gone.

So I voted on Bravo's dorky little online poll on the show's site, checking the box that suggested I want Gail Simmons back, which isn't entirely true, but she's certainly better than this obnoxious twit. But I fear that the poll is just part of a conspiracy to make Toby Young some kind of cult hate figure - the judge we love to boo. This would be a great pity - I do not want to boo Toby Young; I want to have him to disappear so we can talk about food instead of some literary C-lister.

Perhaps it won't help, but I did find that Bravo has a "contact us" link hidden carefully at the bottom of the site. So I sent them a note:

Dear Bravo,

Please ask the producers of Top Chef to take Toby Young away as abruptly as he came. He is irritating beyond endurance and seems mostly interested in discussing himself and demonstrating his considerable, but gratingly shallow, knowledge of pop culture. If I wanted a glib, self-centered Englishman to comment cruelly about food, I would invite Simon Cowell to dinner. As it is, I just want to watch a show about cooking.

Contact Bravo and complain about Toby Young.

Are you with me? Can we get this guy exiled for the finals? Can we guarantee that he does not return next season? Join me in my cause. Save the show I like, despite itself.

2009-01-03T20:56:00.004-05:00

My brother, my uncle, and me, sometime around 1973. Doesn't seem that long ago, does it?

The end

2008-12-29T22:50:00.001-05:00

I am finding myself strangely compelled by this. Not so much for the visuals, but because it had never occurred to me before that the music of the Apocalypse might actually be just as soothing as this suggests.

Things I think about. Pt. II

2008-12-29T15:55:00.003-05:00

I realize this month something that I have probably always known, but have never been able to articulate:

I hate bullet points.

Bullet points are to writing what a plain cinder block wall is to architecture: functional but an affront to style.

Ok, sure, writing is about communicating clearly, and bullet points are a fiendishly efficient way to communicate information. But they're just so damned ugly. It is not an accident, I believe, that the really great writers of history don't use bullet points.

Where would this country be today, for example, if our Founding Fathers had access to the easy Bullet Point function in MS Word?

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with the following unalienable rights:
- life;
- liberty;
- the pursuit of happiness.

Not cool.

This is just to say...

2008-12-19T11:54:00.001-05:00

I have gambled away our nest egg

And sold the children

Into servitude

Even though

You were probably

Going to take them

To the park this afternoon

Forgive me

They were being annoying.

Oh, and I

Burned down the house.

Truth in Advertising

2008-12-13T16:44:00.002-05:00

I ran across this on a discussion group recently and I immediately thought of my college friend Patti. Long ago, she was involved in an escapade that I I will not detail since she is now a respectable woman of the world with real prospects, such as a seat in Congress or a cushy judicial appointment. But suffice it to say that it ended with the marquee of an innocent hotel reading "Our Shower Leak Pee." (If you know her, ask her yourself - she'll probably be happy to share the story, complete with photos).

Dave for president

2008-10-04T10:00:00.002-04:00

Ok, so he's often old and stale these days, but once in a while, David Letterman still rises to genius...

Not so silly

2008-09-05T10:57:00.004-04:00

Brother Geode asked a question on my post about Obama's citizenship status that deserves an answer, but it's taken me a while to get around to it. So here goes.

Geode writes "C'mon man, what about the McCain/Panama controversy? Where's your fair n' balanced? When that tempest comes a-blowin', you gotta show BOTH SIDES of the teacup."

I don't know whether he means to suggest that the McCain controversy is equally silly as the Obama one, but for the sake of something to type about, I will assume he does.

Turns out, McCain's birthplace is an actual issue, one in which I have something of a personal interest.

The New York Times had a nice piece about this a few months ago, but here's the essence of it:

The Constitution doesn't set the bar very high to qualify to be president - you have to be at least 35 years old, have lived in the United States for at least 14 years, and be a "Natural born Citizen." Easy, right?

The problem here is that "natural born citizen" doesn't have any particular legal meaning. So right from the start people were arguing about what that should mean. Clearly it means you must have been a citizen from birth - no naturalized persons need apply. But could it also mean that you must be physically born inside the United States?

Congress quickly tried to settle the issue with a 1790 law that said that yes, anyone who was a citizen from birth was considered "Natural born" no matter where in the world they were born. But that law was eventually repealed and there has never been a legal test - a few nominees, including Barry Goldwater and George Romney, were born outside of the actual United States (Goldwater in Arizona when it was just a territory and Romney in Mexico, where his parents were working), but none of them won.

So now comes John McCain, whose father was an admiral who happened to be stationed in the U.S. controlled Panama Canal Zone in 1936, when young John was born. So although he is clearly a citizen from birth, he was born outside the 48 existing states at the time.

It seems likely that should McCain win, someone somewhere will try to challenge his eligibility. And that's good, because it seems to be unlikely that any court would actually entertain such a lawsuit for very long and the issue would be settled once and for all.

And that's a good thing for me. Not that I want to be president, but because it is a question that has interested me since I was a child. It happens that I was born in Canada, where my father was a diplomat. Because my parents are both Americans, I am a U.S. citizen from birth. And because my father was a diplomat on an official mission, I cannot claim Canadian citizenship under their law (The U.S. has the same law for diplomats posted here). It causes me occasional headaches when I cross the U.S. border because the Border Patrol takes one look at my passport and demands to know when I was naturalized as a U.S. citizen. But it also allows me to irritate bureaucrats who demand my birth certificate - I have a birth certificate, of course, but I like to produce my official "Consular Report of Birth Abroad," which by law has the same effect as a birth certificate in terms of proving citizenship. It's fun to watch some clerk frown and squint and try to figure out what this document represents.

But the question still lingers for me - am I considered a "Natural Born Citizen" under the Constitution? Should McCain win, I may finally have my answer.

Such a fine line

2008-08-29T12:34:00.004-04:00

It is perhaps surprising that one of the greatest nuggets of philosophical wisdom comes not from some Greek thinker or revered English playwright, but from the 1984 Rock-N-Roll spoof "This is Spinal Tap." In it, the addled philosopher-rocker David St. Hubbins observes "It's such a fine line between stupid and clever."

I will hazard a guess that John McCain has never seen the movie.

In picking Sarah Palin of Alaska as his running mate, McCain has done what seems to be an astonishingly clever thing. Palin is successful and bright, by all accounts personable, vivacious, and energetic. She's the kind of woman that any man would like to have as a mother, wife or daughter. She's the kind of woman that any other woman might admire and aspire to be.

And yet, McCain may have veered dangerously close to David St Hubbins' dreaded line.

For one thing, he has neatly kicked a rhetorical leg out from under himself. Never again will anyone be able to listen with a straight face when he accuses Barack Obama of bring a naïve, inexperienced lightweight. Palin is just 44 years old and has been governor for just two years after serving as a small town mayor. In terms of heavy-weight national and international experience, or even just life experience, she and Obama are roughly tied. If she's ready to be president in the event of McCain's death, then Obama is ready to be president in the event of McCain's defeat.

But perhaps even more seriously, McCain has made the one mistake that neither candidate should have made (and yet both did). He picked a person who highlights his most serious perceived weakness. There are few people in the country that could have highlighted more painfully McCain's age and frailty, or thrown into sharp relief his status as a grey-haired Washington insider. Perhaps only Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal could have done more to make McCain look like a feeble and aging veteran senator.

Of course, Obama has made roughly the same mistake. By picking Joe Biden, Obama has tied his fortune to a serious, respected, graying elder statesman with a lengthy Washington career. The choice of Biden doesn't remove a rhetorical weapon for Obama, as McCain's choice did for the GOP, but it will still make it painfully clear that Obama is young and relatively inexperienced. Perhaps worse, Biden is lively, funny, and irreverent (if excessively verbose at times), likely to charm the press and voters. This will be a painful contrast with the dour, distant, and slightly disapproving demeanor that Obama has projected so far.

Unfortunately, it may not be so easy for voters to decide in November which side of David St. Hubbins' line they are standing on.

The Silly Season

2008-08-12T17:26:00.004-04:00

A friend of mine back in Washington used to call election time the "Silly Season." And he was right. A sign of how silly things have gotten this year is an article that appears to be causing great interest and jubilation among Right Wingers, in which political gadfly author Steve Miller writes that Obama is not a "natural born citizen" of the United States, as required by the Constitution in order to become president.

The article says, in part:

Barack Obama is not legally a US natural-born citizen according to the law on the books at the time of his birth; a law that was in effect between December 24, 1952 and November 13, 1986, when the law was changed.

However, the new law did not preempt the former law in the cases of those born between the above listed dates when the old law was in effect.

Therefore, Senator Obama may very well be disqualified as the Democratic candidate in the upcoming Presidential campaign.

Presidential office requires the person elected to be a natural-born United States citizen if the child was not born to two US citizen parents.

US Law very clearly stipulates: “If only one parent was a US citizen at the time of your birth, that parent must have resided in the United States for at least ten years, at least five of which had to be after the age of 16.”

Barack Obama’s father was not a US citizen, and Obama’s mother was only 18 when he was born, which means although she had been a US citizen for 10 years, his mother fails the test for being so for at least 5 years prior to Barack Obama’s birth.

In order for her child to have been a natural-born US citizen, his mother would have had to be 21 at the time of his birth.

In essence, Mrs. Obama was not old enough to qualify her son for automatic US citizenship.

His mother would have needed to have been 16+5 = 21 years old at the time of Barack Obama’s birth for him to have been a natural-born citizen.

Barack Obama instead should have been naturalized, but even then, that would still disqualify him from holding the office of President under current law.

This would all be terribly interesting, of course, except it is wrong. Obama was born in Honolulu, which even the most hardened Wingnut would have to admit was part of the 50 United States in 1961. And the 14th Amendment, passed slightly less than a century before Obama was born, makes one thing clear up front, in its very first sentence:

All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the state wherein they reside.

UPDATE: It appears that Miller simply lifted a bit of Internet mythology that has been circulating for several weeks and has been attributed to various authors (but frequently with significant details altered), making it unclear who came up with it first.

It has become so common, the great Urban Legend Reference Page has weighed in.

My new political orientation

2008-07-13T14:55:00.002-04:00

I don't know where this comes from, but I shamelessly stole it from some guy who was using it as a signature line on a discussion group.

Things I think about, pt. 1

2008-07-05T15:32:00.002-04:00

Would it be correct to think of the woman who gave birth to the world's foremost cellist as "Yo Yo MaMa"?

Things my five year old has learned

2008-06-10T10:26:00.002-04:00

Frogs come from eggs.

Caterpillars become Butterflies.

Plants grow from seeds.

Saying fuck in the school gym is a bad idea.

Calling your camp counselor "gay" is also a bad idea.

It is possible to be expelled from summer camp.

Singing the Indiana Jones theme as loudly as possible is great way to make Dad start yelling.

Sometimes it is necessary to deal with an overbearing older brother with a controlled application of violence.

"Unbreakable" plates aren't.

Dirt tastes good.

Batting your eyelids in an adorable and apologetic way sometimes gets you out of real trouble.

Thanks for nothing...

2008-06-03T14:54:00.003-04:00

My friends at Paste magazine cheerfully acknowledged their mistake recently and returned my check...

Every Homeowner's Nighmare

2008-05-12T13:38:00.003-04:00

Oh my god, there's a leek in my bathroom.

Damn. Now there are multiple leeks.

Fine dining poetry

2008-05-05T14:02:00.002-04:00

Two Cornish game hens;
We will eat the small chickens,
And remain hungry.

Ok, so this is really old, but...

2008-05-05T13:44:00.005-04:00

I know this is all ancient and stuff, but I am still amused by my impressions from the Live 8 concert in Philly, which I helped cover for People magazine back in 2005. So now purely for my own amusement, my debriefing after the event:

Here, in no particular order, are the things that I know today that I did not know yesterday:

1. Will Smith has really astonishing pale brown eyes. Rather hypnotic.

2. Jaida Pinkett Smith is really, really short. I mean, really short.

3. The Rev. Al Sharpton is a shameless media whore who will maim and kill to get into pictures, but he is really goddamned funny.*

4. Sarah McLachlan is dazzlingly, heartbreakingly beautiful in a way that pictures cannot capture.

5. Anna Nicole Smith is crazy,** though she looks great these days and her breasts are still enormous, particularly when displayed under the "shirt" that she was "wearing" to Live 8.

6. Rob Thomas is a really nice guy, particularly when he is extremely high.

7. Jimmy Smits appears to be developing a beer belly.

8. The Kaiser Chiefs are really cool. Nobody's ever heard of them before today, but I can tell I am going to be a fan.

9. Dave Matthews is an inarticulate, boorish asshole.***

10. Natalie Portman's body is so small and delicate and her head is so freakishly large that she resembles a giant Pez Machine.

11. Jennifer Connolly is too thin, but still sexy.

12. Chris Tucker is a really funny guy. But his eyes are big and buggy, which is distracting.

13. Kanye West believes some really freaky conspiracy theories and generally makes Oliver Stone seem well adjusted and stable.

14. Rita Marley may be 60, but she is still hot.

15. Don Cheadle is really, really dull. I mean, really dull.

16. If this music thing doesn't work out, Alicia Keys should look into becoming a diplomat. Or a congresswoman. Or maybe president.

17. Hollywood publicists should be killed. Painfully and publicly.

* Actually, I did already know this.
** I strongly suspected this already.
*** Ok, so I knew this already too.

UPDATE: yeah, I know Anna Nicole isn't looking so good anymore. That's what you get for waiting three years to post an item. The rest I will have to assume is still true.

I'll get right on it

2008-04-29T13:19:00.005-04:00

God, how I hate getting past due notices. I try to keep up with the bills but, you know, sometimes things happen. Sometimes the paydays don't fall neatly into sync with the billing cycles. Sometimes things get lost on my desk. So I was terribly distressed to find this in my pile of bills I paid today:

So naturally, I immediately settled up:

Narodnik

2008-04-25T08:13:00.001-04:00

One of the more interesting things to me about Russian history is how big the Russians tend to think. Whatever it is, the Russians...

You know what? I started typing this post a few days ago, got interrupted and never finished it. So I came back to it today and I cannot remember what the hell I was talking about. But I guess it was really profound and important. I hope you enjoyed the first sentence and a half, 'cause that's all you're ever going to get.

You have my sympathy

2008-04-23T15:20:00.002-04:00

With the world's smallest violin.

On the other hand

2008-04-23T09:57:00.001-04:00

The only evidence I have a job

2008-04-22T16:37:00.002-04:00

Here's what I spent the week preparing - a video poll for Time, asking voters who they voted for. What a strange new world. I used to write actual words about politics, but now I sweet-talk voters into talking to us on camera. Strange.

Lest anyone doubt I was at work today, here is the only existing evidence...

Living in hope

2008-04-20T17:16:00.001-04:00